It seemed like it was only
yesterday that Lina was blowing out her 23rd, 22nd, and
even 21st birthday candles. But much had happened to
reassure her logic that it was not. And yet here she was again, she thought, as
the candles shone brightly and wax melted upon the chocolate frosting beneath
her – on the verge of blowing out 24 of them this time. It felt too
soon, she hadn’t yet grown into those previous numbers that defined a part of
her each year. She had not yet walked in them as though she owned them, as
though she knew what each number would signify in the whole scheme of things.
But what
did it matter that she had grown another year older into indefinite adulthood? She
thought, staring at her friends and family’s dark and yellow candle-lit faces
as they sang the happy birthday song completely out of tune – in three
different languages; nonetheless, Arabic, English and French. She clapped along
unsteadily in amusement as she smiled at no one in particular. It wouldn’t have
been as charming if they sang it in perfect harmony, she thought. She loathed
perfection for the most part, except that there was in fact a part of her that
liked things to be perfectly flawed – if that were possible. There was
something quite tasty in that – just like their singing. But she would probably
spend the night in tears, after they had all gone, she just knew. She would sit
and stare at the ground and somehow realize and with so much conviction know
for certain that she was in fact nothing – had accomplished nothing, and if
anything, was really just another person who lacked significance in the world. To
top it off – she would be horribly agitated with herself for eating so much
cake and would insist that she begin to cut down on sweets – starting tomorrow,
when there would be none left over.
Her aunts
managed to corner her with their half-eaten cake plates in hand some minutes
after the candles were blown out and cake was passed all around. It wasn’t a
particularly flattering image they possessed. She cringed as her aunts insisted
on conversing with half open mouths as cake and saliva mixed as visibly as one
would hope they wouldn’t when standing at arms-length away. It was another
thing she dreaded, those talks they insisted on having with her on every family
occasion. The ones that reminded her that she was in fact a grown woman now and
must act like it, dress like it, and put on a little make up every now and then
for God’s sake! It was a dose of misery at its finest – every single time.
Marriage or simply meeting someone were
next in line of the frequently visited topics of conversation. Sometimes there
was a guy or two they would “love for her to meet!” The kind that went to look
for a wife with his mother, she imagined. Going bald and a bit stout, but still
insists that he marry a beauty queen as his mother strongly agreed that no “ordinary
girl” would be satisfactory enough for her precious son. She sighed so heavily at
the thought that she must have relit her aunts dying – let’s make her feel like
crap – fire of enthusiasm.
She often screamed inside her head
as they talked – it was more like a song really once she got into the groove of
it. She tried to see how long she could play it out in order to avoid actually
hearing most of what they needed to get off their “it’s only because we care
about you and want the best for you” chest. It wasn’t so bad when their voices fell
into the background of her screaming song. She had to find ways to make people
feel like she was actually listening. She nodded in all the right places for
the most part, till a moment came where she got lost in her scream and stared
at the ground a little too long and found her mind replaying moments she had
forgotten about which made her smile. She always wished she could go back to
certain days, to relive them. Things were different then, a couple of years back
when she was still in college. It was a
sign she was getting old, she figured – reminiscing of the “good old days.” She
liked life then. There were no expectations beyond getting her degree. Everything
was laid out clearly enough, even for a scatterbrain like herself. She missed
those days – even the heartbreak she endured for so long and had never truly
recovered from. She even missed that!
“You’re not paying any attention.”
Her aunt’s voice shook her out of her daydream. “I wish you’d get your head out
of the clouds once in a while and join the rest of us…” was the last thing
she’d heard as she excused herself in the name of tabbouleh – “one can never have enough, you know” she assured them
as she left their agitated demeanor to devour the rest of their cake and headed
towards the buffet table.
The clouds seemed the best place to
be if only she could get there, she thought as her friend approached her
grinning.
“They’re at it again, aren’t they?”
her friend laughed.
“You bet!” Answered Lina. “They
want to fix me up with this guy who lives I don’t know where and makes a whole
lot of money. They know nothing about his personality; of course, but they’re pretty sure he’s a decent guy.”
She laughed.
“Do you think he has a friend? I’m a 23 year
old spinster you know…according to my grandmother!” her friend chuckled.
Lina sighed, “Who would’ve thought
we’d one day actually grow up? And now here we are at this silly age of having
to define the rest of our lives.”
“Yeah, I guess ‘I’m a recent
graduate’ won’t cut it anymore!’ her friend laughed, finding amusement in most things.
“No more slacking off…what a drag!”
Lina laughed as her friend nodded along, smiling empathetically. “But what
kills me is no one leaves you alone. I just want them to get out of my face and
stop giving me advice over every little thing I’m not doing right, for a change.”
“It’s okay,” her friend slid in her
support in the spaces between Lina’s words, “don’t let them get to you.”
“And you know” Lina carried on, like
a leaky faucet unable to stop no matter how hard one turned the knobs, “heaven
forbid you miraculously manage to do
something they might possibly approve
of – they’ll only start thinking of ways for you to do it better! Get a job – so
you get one...”
“Ah, that one doesn’t pay enough, get
a better one!” her friend mocked.
“And then it’s ‘get married’ and if God forbid
that should happen…‘what, still no kids?’ Ah! They’re crazy!” she sighed.
Her friend laughed, “You wanna just
run off and join the circus?”
“Life in the circus ain’t easy, but the folks on the outside don’t know!”
Lina sang and they continued to laugh. At least she had this, she thought, the
ability to be whatever she pleased, when she pleased, in the company of her
friend.
“What are you two girls giggling
about?” one of her aunts came for a refill, with remnants of cake still
encompassing her mouth.
“Easy on those sweets, your
metabolism’s not what it used to be” she said pinching Lina’s behind and startling
her into a state of mortification as she walked off, “you don’t want to end up
with a hiney like your aunt’s!” She raised an eyebrow in her sister’s direction
and laughed.
Lina sighed, shooting herself with
her imaginary index finger and thumb gun, as her friend tried to refrain from
laughter.
“You have to admit, she’s pretty
funny!”
“Hilarious.” Lina stated
sarcastically.
There was
something about birthdays that caught up with her moments later as she threw
herself upon the vacant couch cushions in her family’s living room. Everyone
had talked to her just enough in light of the occasion and she was now free to
wander off in silence.
It was
silence she needed to reflect upon her life ‘til now. The voices of those
surrounding her, and had been surrounding her for as long as she could remember,
droned into the background upon which her thoughts flowed like notes upon music
staff. The truth was she had never felt
so old before. Her mother would have laughed at her, having had two kids by the
time she was her age. She hadn’t yet begun to experience that kind of
responsibility and had doubted she’d ever want to.
The thing
was, no matter how ridiculous her family’s words seemed to her mind’s
comprehension – they still managed to get her down somehow (the ones that made
their way past her screaming song, anyway). It wasn’t that she wanted what they
were feeding her, it was just that – down the road, she might understand
certain aspects of life better than she did at that moment. She would want
different things that the person she was then would have deprived her from in
years to come – maybe. But why did they have to make everything sound so stupid
and overwhelming? She thought, irritated. And to think, when she was younger,
she had imagined herself at 24…life was supposed to be figured out by now, and she was supposed to look different. Only
it wasn’t and she had only gotten a little taller.
Maybe she’ll have it figured out in her 30s? She
thought laughing quietly at her obsession of trying to understand what “it”
was. Was she the only one who thought about this sort of craziness and never
reached a conclusion? She stared around the room and wondered what was
proceeding inside the heads of all those present. “Do you have it figured out?”
she wanted to ask her aunts who always seemed to have something to say on every
occasion. “Well, I don’t…” she whispered to herself, finally feeling pleased at
knowing something for certain. She got up and approached those who were there
to celebrate her birth, knowing that even if she turned 90…she probably wouldn’t
have figured anything out still, except that maybe it just wouldn’t matter if
she did or not.
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